Sat zazen for 30 minutes today and yesterday. I could tell that both were days that I would have skipped zazen if I had not made this commitment. My mind is incredibly busy and thick with thought after a day at work and awareness hardly cuts through it at all. It is almost unpleasant to sit with a mind so stirred up by a day of dealing with a commute full of aggressive drivers and a workday full of sensitive, finely tuned encounters with others. It buzzes like a fly frantically trying to get to the other side of a window.
But the truth is that I don't know exactly why my mind is more stirred up or why I resist sitting after most work days. One thing I have definitely noticed in the first few days of this Ango is how the majority of my day is experienced and perceived through a matrix of thought. The main conscious content of my experience is my ideas, most of which are pure conjecture. The fleeting moments where I can drop the conceptualizing are moments that carry a feeling of "duh," where I feel like an idiot who's been listening unquestioningly to a crazy person all day.
One of the practice commitments I made for this Ango is to take up and practice kind thought and speech. I notice how sick I have become of the negativity that clouds my thinking, especially about other people. I do not take up this Right Speech practice with any sort of sanctimoniousness, I am simply sick of getting caught up in my own and others' negativity. The needless negative gossip about others... it is amazing how much of the content of social experience is negative statements about other people.
The problem I have with it isn't the negativity per se but the fact that most of these negative thoughts, statements, and beliefs are completely incorrect fabrications of the mind. One is creating hostility toward others and contributing to the suffering of others for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Even a seemingly straightforward practice like Right Speech is amazing in its scope--I have to be constantly vigilant of how I think and what I say, as even with effort to be aware I am constantly "slipping," thinking and saying negative things and participating in gossip. It is all mind-numbing.
The practice with which I am having the most difficulty is mindful eating. I've not been keeping to a calorie count and much of my food is eaten while in a distracted state of mind. I bring a very greedy mind to my meals, I chase after the "perfect bite" of food with just the right mix of flavors. It seems that all my unfulfilled yearning for perfection and solace is brought to the table (pardon the pun) when I eat.
Today I told a few of my coworkers, the ones I love the most, about my plans to leave my job and return to Virginia in October. I was surprised by the force of their emotional reaction, it touched me and filled me with a mix of wildly different feelings. I realize how much these people have meant to me and how much I will miss them. I had a hard time accepting the love and affection I experienced today, it made me feel guilty and awkward. And yet I am also moved and deeply grateful to have been able to touch and be touched by such amazing people. I wish I could take them all to Virginia with me! I have been so lucky to have this job as my first out of grad school, it is amazing how much time and energy I have wasted in my head on negativity and nit-picking about the things about it that I don't like. All the while we bitch about it, life is passing us by in all its fleeting beauty.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
A day at the museum
I could not believe, after a full day of going through the American Museum of Natural History in the most efficient manner possible, I still have one more trip to the museum left to complete my project of taking notes on all halls relevant to the timeline and details of the evolution of life on Earth. This is my third visit since starting this project! But it is not really a complaint--my trips have renewed a deep spiritual feeling about our origins and place in the universe that has been absent for a while. I was reminded of how precious time spent in wilderness is and how moved I am by the plight of our environment. In my life, I want to be a steward of the land and protector of wild places.
I noticed several times today how selfish and bristly I've become since taking up life in this city. Frazzled with how much information there was left to document when the museum was due to close in less than an hour, I was terse to a woman working there who had stopped to offer help with information. She seemed so sincere and enthusiastic, at other times in my life I would have probably been friendly to such a being instead of irritable. I am very aggressive in my behavior regarding public transportation and being in any sort of line now, where I used to be mellow and noncompetitive. I don't like the feeling that comes with this way of being.
A recent chain of events in my life has left me feeling like my heart has been ripped out and fed to a shark. I am perplexed by my behavior and feel an immense sense of wrongness about some of the choices I have made and actions I have taken. And yet at the same time there is a sense of inevitability and correctness to the way things have played out. There is an incongruous oscillation between these two feelings and I realize I really don't have a clue about how things "should have happened." I need to let this sit a while.
I can say, though, in general I want to be less impulsive and aggressive. I can blame this shithole metropolis for my hardened exterior, but I know with effort, I can restrain impulse and aggression, so the reason I have become like this is somewhat irrelevant.
I am so grateful I have this form of Ango to offer an alternative to lazy habit and infectious aggression.
I noticed several times today how selfish and bristly I've become since taking up life in this city. Frazzled with how much information there was left to document when the museum was due to close in less than an hour, I was terse to a woman working there who had stopped to offer help with information. She seemed so sincere and enthusiastic, at other times in my life I would have probably been friendly to such a being instead of irritable. I am very aggressive in my behavior regarding public transportation and being in any sort of line now, where I used to be mellow and noncompetitive. I don't like the feeling that comes with this way of being.
A recent chain of events in my life has left me feeling like my heart has been ripped out and fed to a shark. I am perplexed by my behavior and feel an immense sense of wrongness about some of the choices I have made and actions I have taken. And yet at the same time there is a sense of inevitability and correctness to the way things have played out. There is an incongruous oscillation between these two feelings and I realize I really don't have a clue about how things "should have happened." I need to let this sit a while.
I can say, though, in general I want to be less impulsive and aggressive. I can blame this shithole metropolis for my hardened exterior, but I know with effort, I can restrain impulse and aggression, so the reason I have become like this is somewhat irrelevant.
I am so grateful I have this form of Ango to offer an alternative to lazy habit and infectious aggression.
Ango Day 2
Today I sat for 29 minutes. My mind was very active throughout the period, not really settling. This was likely due to a stimulus-rich day of going to the Museum, taking copious notes on various areas of evolutionary history, and dealing with the frustrations of mass transit and population density.
I did not want to sit at all and know that this is one of those days when if I had not made a commitment I would not have sat. But in that strange way of zazen, once my butt was on the cushion, there was no place else I wanted to be. Zazen is a refuge from the endless battle with myself.
My eating became progressively less mindful over the course of the day. My first meal of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a Sugar Free Red Bull was taken slowly, with an impromptu Buddhist grace stated beforehand. I noticed a resistance to this practice, a feeling of sanctimoniousness in relating one's act of eating to the nourishment or lack thereof of other beings. And yet, I sense a truth in the practice also.
My second meal was a slice of pizza and a soda at the Museum. I ate merely for fuel to keep my brain going after my blood sugar started to tank. I said or thought no reverent words before eating, and my mind wandered, but I intentionally did not pull out a book or my journal as has become my unfortunate habit these days when eating. It was amazing to see how much taking in that food altered my conscious experience.
My final meal was sushi and wine in front of a nature documentary. It was a favorite indulgence I could not pass up, despite the decidedly unmindful nature of eating in front of the television and going over my calorie count.
I did not want to sit at all and know that this is one of those days when if I had not made a commitment I would not have sat. But in that strange way of zazen, once my butt was on the cushion, there was no place else I wanted to be. Zazen is a refuge from the endless battle with myself.
My eating became progressively less mindful over the course of the day. My first meal of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a Sugar Free Red Bull was taken slowly, with an impromptu Buddhist grace stated beforehand. I noticed a resistance to this practice, a feeling of sanctimoniousness in relating one's act of eating to the nourishment or lack thereof of other beings. And yet, I sense a truth in the practice also.
My second meal was a slice of pizza and a soda at the Museum. I ate merely for fuel to keep my brain going after my blood sugar started to tank. I said or thought no reverent words before eating, and my mind wandered, but I intentionally did not pull out a book or my journal as has become my unfortunate habit these days when eating. It was amazing to see how much taking in that food altered my conscious experience.
My final meal was sushi and wine in front of a nature documentary. It was a favorite indulgence I could not pass up, despite the decidedly unmindful nature of eating in front of the television and going over my calorie count.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Resource Post 1
Treeleaf Ango 2010 Announcement
Thread For First Ango Zazenkai, August 28, 2010
Ango Sharing Thread
Ango Partner Thread
Ango Practice Partner Exercise 1
Treeleaf Shukke Tokudo Ordination
"Nurturing Seeds" Practice
Metta Practice
MRO Translation of Heart Sutra
Zen Peacemakers Translation of the Four Bodhisattva Vows
Treeleaf "Chant Book"
Treeleaf Pocket Zen Liturgy
My "Theme Talk" for Ango 2010, "Letting the Questions Bloom," by Taigu
Thread For First Ango Zazenkai, August 28, 2010
Ango Sharing Thread
Ango Partner Thread
Ango Practice Partner Exercise 1
Treeleaf Shukke Tokudo Ordination
"Nurturing Seeds" Practice
Metta Practice
MRO Translation of Heart Sutra
Zen Peacemakers Translation of the Four Bodhisattva Vows
Treeleaf "Chant Book"
Treeleaf Pocket Zen Liturgy
My "Theme Talk" for Ango 2010, "Letting the Questions Bloom," by Taigu
Ango Day 1
Today I kicked off Ango by participating in a modified version of the Treeleaf Saturday zazenkai.
I did nine full bows to Kannon using a folded IKEA blanket as a bowing mat, after which I sat on the cushion and chanted the MRO translation of the Heart Sutra. I sat for thirty minutes, and could feel the restless impulse to get up sooner, but let that impulse go and rested into the peacefulness of the mind that is not trying to get anywhere.
Instead of doing kinhin, which I confess I find tedious, I did two Sun Salutations. The version of Sun Salutations I do goes as follows: Tadasana, Namaste, backbend, "swan dive" forward into Uttanasana, lunge one leg back, turn sideways toward the forward leg into a hip opening pose I learned as "Beach Bum pose," Downward Dog, step one leg forward so the other leg is lunged back, do the hip opener on the other side, Uttanasana, "swan dive" upward into backbend, and end in Tadasana with hands in Namaste.
It was wonderful to break up sitting periods in this way, releasing the tension from my body and engaging in a practice where I found it much easier to be mindful than I do when doing kinhin.
I drank a glass of water and returned to the cushion, and sat for another thirty minutes. My mind rebelled and grew quieter in turn. I felt the thoughts clearing away like a curtain being parted. Afterward, I chanted the Verse of Atonement and the Zen Peacemakers translation of the Four Bodhisattva vows. I got up, did three final full prostrations to Kannon, and completed the zazenkai.
Afterwards, I mindfully ate a baked potato, saying a simple verse beforehand: "May all beings find nourishment." As part of my discipline of getting back on my diet, I recorded the calories as I recorded the calories of what I ate earlier.
I have connected with Daibh on the forum as my Ango practice partner.
I did nine full bows to Kannon using a folded IKEA blanket as a bowing mat, after which I sat on the cushion and chanted the MRO translation of the Heart Sutra. I sat for thirty minutes, and could feel the restless impulse to get up sooner, but let that impulse go and rested into the peacefulness of the mind that is not trying to get anywhere.
Instead of doing kinhin, which I confess I find tedious, I did two Sun Salutations. The version of Sun Salutations I do goes as follows: Tadasana, Namaste, backbend, "swan dive" forward into Uttanasana, lunge one leg back, turn sideways toward the forward leg into a hip opening pose I learned as "Beach Bum pose," Downward Dog, step one leg forward so the other leg is lunged back, do the hip opener on the other side, Uttanasana, "swan dive" upward into backbend, and end in Tadasana with hands in Namaste.
It was wonderful to break up sitting periods in this way, releasing the tension from my body and engaging in a practice where I found it much easier to be mindful than I do when doing kinhin.
I drank a glass of water and returned to the cushion, and sat for another thirty minutes. My mind rebelled and grew quieter in turn. I felt the thoughts clearing away like a curtain being parted. Afterward, I chanted the Verse of Atonement and the Zen Peacemakers translation of the Four Bodhisattva vows. I got up, did three final full prostrations to Kannon, and completed the zazenkai.
Afterwards, I mindfully ate a baked potato, saying a simple verse beforehand: "May all beings find nourishment." As part of my discipline of getting back on my diet, I recorded the calories as I recorded the calories of what I ate earlier.
I have connected with Daibh on the forum as my Ango practice partner.
Inauguration of Treeleaf Fall Ango 2010
I am starting this blog to document my involvement in the 100 day Treeleaf Ango lasting from August 28, 2010, to December 5, 2010. The announcement page for the Ango is located here.
I join this Ango after a long period of lax practice, with the hope that the Treeleaf group spirit and making a public vow to intensify my practice will not only help me restart a daily zazen practice, but will also infuse a life that has become muddled, lazy, and wanly hedonistic with mindfulness, energy, and discipline.
This Ango falls auspiciously at a time of significant transition in my life. I left home in Fall 1999 at the age of 16 to go to school several states away. This was the beginning of a long search for home--a place where I could feel comfortable in my own skin. Originally from Virginia, in the last 11 years I have lived in Massachusetts, California, New York, and New Jersey. I have delighted and suffered in turn in each place and do not regret any of my experiences or moves.
However, having learned a lot about myself during a brutal period of spiritual opening in the New York metro area, which was marked by rapid disillusionment, loss, and isolation, I have come to a point where I want to find rootedness and nurturing soil. I have realized that proximity to family, a slower pace of life, and a more rural lifestyle are more important to me than the nonetheless appreciated intellectual, artistic, and cultural refinement of urban life. My life never quite took root in this rocky soil.
I will finally leave this long exile in October, almost exactly in the middle of this Ango, and return to Virginia. And I do not believe I could start this period of transition any more auspiciously than by committing to this practice period. It has been all too easy to let transition, disappointment, and shake-ups in my life throw off my discipline. And I have seen that without discipline, life drifts and gets stagnated in a morass of habit; all that is beautiful decays into the slime.
The theme of this Ango for me personally is "blooming." Treeleaf teacher Taigu shared in one of his talks a view of practice as blooming, opening to experience as it is in the moment, "letting reality touch us." Taigu talks about the obsession with finding answers, and the difference that can be experienced when we let questions bloom in us.
I have for too long cultivated ideas of what reality must be, too long fixated on finding an answer. I miss the 999,999 things it could be looking for the 1 instance that matches my expectations. This is dead soil in which nothing blooms. I have forgotten how to let questions take root, how living with a question can open the eyes and sensitize the nerve endings, let more light and life in. Finding an answer is like the bloom closing.
This Ango, I embrace the closing of one chapter of my life and the opening of a new one as a time to let myself bloom. To bloom is to let in all things that come, all of the sunlight, the hummingbirds and bees and bats, no longer closing myself to everything in order to wait for that one blue butterfly I have heard about in legend, as beautiful as it may be. That butterfly may come, but so will strange moths by moonlight, and all are lit by the same distant sun.
I join this Ango after a long period of lax practice, with the hope that the Treeleaf group spirit and making a public vow to intensify my practice will not only help me restart a daily zazen practice, but will also infuse a life that has become muddled, lazy, and wanly hedonistic with mindfulness, energy, and discipline.
This Ango falls auspiciously at a time of significant transition in my life. I left home in Fall 1999 at the age of 16 to go to school several states away. This was the beginning of a long search for home--a place where I could feel comfortable in my own skin. Originally from Virginia, in the last 11 years I have lived in Massachusetts, California, New York, and New Jersey. I have delighted and suffered in turn in each place and do not regret any of my experiences or moves.
However, having learned a lot about myself during a brutal period of spiritual opening in the New York metro area, which was marked by rapid disillusionment, loss, and isolation, I have come to a point where I want to find rootedness and nurturing soil. I have realized that proximity to family, a slower pace of life, and a more rural lifestyle are more important to me than the nonetheless appreciated intellectual, artistic, and cultural refinement of urban life. My life never quite took root in this rocky soil.
I will finally leave this long exile in October, almost exactly in the middle of this Ango, and return to Virginia. And I do not believe I could start this period of transition any more auspiciously than by committing to this practice period. It has been all too easy to let transition, disappointment, and shake-ups in my life throw off my discipline. And I have seen that without discipline, life drifts and gets stagnated in a morass of habit; all that is beautiful decays into the slime.
The theme of this Ango for me personally is "blooming." Treeleaf teacher Taigu shared in one of his talks a view of practice as blooming, opening to experience as it is in the moment, "letting reality touch us." Taigu talks about the obsession with finding answers, and the difference that can be experienced when we let questions bloom in us.
I have for too long cultivated ideas of what reality must be, too long fixated on finding an answer. I miss the 999,999 things it could be looking for the 1 instance that matches my expectations. This is dead soil in which nothing blooms. I have forgotten how to let questions take root, how living with a question can open the eyes and sensitize the nerve endings, let more light and life in. Finding an answer is like the bloom closing.
This Ango, I embrace the closing of one chapter of my life and the opening of a new one as a time to let myself bloom. To bloom is to let in all things that come, all of the sunlight, the hummingbirds and bees and bats, no longer closing myself to everything in order to wait for that one blue butterfly I have heard about in legend, as beautiful as it may be. That butterfly may come, but so will strange moths by moonlight, and all are lit by the same distant sun.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)